In exactly 10 days from today, my baby girl is due to arrive. As February 19th approaches, I get more and more terrified. Not because I’m about to push out a human being out of my vagina but because my life is about to drastically change forever. Ever since I can remember I’ve always felt like my main purpose in life is to be a mom. To have my own family is all I’ve ever wanted. But now that it’s almost here, I’m terrified. I’m 32 years old so why do I feel like this? Is this feeling normal? Do other first time moms get this anxiety? Shouldn’t I be in a constant state of excitement to meet my sweet girl?!
All in all, we are ready for Vivian to come home. Everything is in it’s place. My husband, God bless him, is so excited and calm. But here I am, a nervous wreck! On the outside I’m ready. But on the inside, am I?
* What if my breast milk doesn’t come in?
* What if my sweet girl isn’t a happy baby?
* What if she grows up to hate me?!
* Will I literally go crazy the first few weeks when I’m sleep deprived?!
* Will I ever have a good nights sleep again?!
* Will I ever be able to be selfish again? And if so, does that make me a bad person?!
* What if I don’t make my husband proud?
* What if I can’t do it all?
Little Vivi has been incredibly active in my belly the past couple of weeks and I’m mesmerized by it! Those are the times that fear and anxiety go away. I’m all of a sudden filled with a love I’ve never felt before. All for this little miracle that I’m about to meet in less than 2 weeks. Watching her stretch and dance in my belly makes me daydream about the wonderful times. The wonderment of who she’ll look like, the first smiles and giggles, the first steps, the first words, the family vacations, the snuggles, the dressing up, the daddy-daughter dates, and most importantly the love that is going to burst out of my heart every time I look at that perfect little girl my husband and I made.
So to answer my own question, am I ready? I don’t think one can ever be truly ready for such a change. But deep down I know I’ll survive and do the absolute best I can. And I know that the the very first time my daughter and I lock eyes, those selfish fears will go away…..